I always believed that the city of Mumbai must have been created with a lot of planning and calculations. The God’s must have indeed gone crazy when they thought of making a city which just keeps expanding like Sharad Pawar’s assets. Obviously there would have been no crazy idea than thinking of merging the seven islands together and forming a city and then having literally a few cities within a city, like Navi Mumbai, South Mumbai, western suburbs, central suburbs and Andheri.
The process of creating the city must have made God do a lot of home work which would obviously have been a lot tougher than drafting the Jan Lokpal Bill. God started the making of Mumbai. The process was just going fine but then while creating one God damn place called Andheri, everything went haywire. The situation was just like a Windows PC getting hanged when you are all excited to play that porn you just bought home from VT station. To start off, God didn’t find how he could make proper roads in that crazy shitty place, so he handed this complicated job to BMC, the result was fuckol connectivity. Then God didn’t know how could people travel in such a ridiculous place with hopeless road links , so he made crappy rickshaws with faulty meters, purposely imported drivers from UP so that if they are not ready to take the passengers to a desired location, at least Raj Thackery could beat the shit out of them and thrash the rickshaws and rickshawalas apart.
Once the place was created, God found that no one was willing to stay there. People were ready to stay anywhere apart from Andheri. It was abandoned and ignored like Shreyas Talpade and Tusshar Kapoor’s, Hum Tum Shabana. And to solve this problem, God created BALAJI TELEFILMS in Andheri and the situation suddenly changed! Eureka Eureka! All those people who could speak hindi and englisss or aangglish, came to stay in Andheri.
After the creation of this freaky place, it was time to give its people a characteristic. But probably after creating something as shitty as that, God said ‘Fuck it!’. And with this one liner, the Andheri crowd got their unique characteristic! They fail to know their coolness quotient. They do things like a South Mumbaite but when they talk, it’s even worse than a guy from Vartak College in Vasai speaking English. Their identity is like the Laxmi from the Big Boss house. Lost in translation – In between South Mumbai and the western suburbs.
By now, the heavens were so tired thinking and planning about this pathetic place that when it came to designing the residential look, they decided to just make it without any pains and that give rise to Mhada. One house created and then Ctrl C+Ctrl V followed. Two houses joined together with a common parapet wall and to misguide people into buying such houses, God named this new piece of shit, Seven Bungalows and Four Bungalows.
Then these deprived species from Andheri were blessed with malls, but they started using them like the air conditioned waiting rooms that you have at Mumbai Central Terminus. The malls there are probably the only place on this planet from where Chetan Bhagat books make all the sales and where people still listen to Temperature and Gasolina when they are sitting there.
This was actually the story of just the western part of Andheri. If I would have started writing about the east, it would have taken as much time, as it would take for Reliance to make the Andheri Metro. But when it comes to Andheri, the bottom line is East or West, Andheri is the Worst!